Can we eradicate bullying ?

 

When I was a kid in elementary school, the word bullying (or a French translation, such as "harcèlement", "intimidation" or "taxage") was not common use. Yet, the experience was very real, and no less unpleasant or humiliating. In the 1980s, I once was that girl with pig tails (we called them "lulus" in my native French). A guy I barely knew seemed to have decided it was funny to pull them. Not clear why he picked on me. I remember being startled, but not sure how else I reacted. I probably froze. There were other few such incidents, when another boy (or maybe it was the same, I cannot remember... this is what trauma does to your brain, you forget details of a disturbing situation) had violently pressed a piece of crumbled paper on my butt while I was walking to school. Again, I felt disturbed, humiliated, and couldn't comprehend why someone would do such an intrusive, violent and obnoxious thing. My younger sister was more extraverted than me and I remember once she intervened and assertively said something to my tormenters, like "leave her alone", calling them out on their bad attitude or something. Thank goodness for souls like Isabelle. Now she is a federal policewoman in Canada, a "Mountie" and I am damn proud of her. She can continue to put these bullies in their place, haha. As for me, I guess I decided to help in my own way, by listening to victims who shares their stories of bullying, harassment, abuse or assault and as I do so, I help them reclaim their voice and power. Like for the once younger me, I want them to heal and elevate themselves above these creatures engaging in despicable actions. I feel lucky to be able to do that. I know many people who end up having depression, anxiety and low self-esteem because of bullying, and sometimes to the point of harming themselves. I believe it is our collective responsibility to support each other and not let that happen.

I want to talk about this because if it was an issue then (and the generations before me), it keeps happening to people I care about, and it is even more ubiquitous nowadays, because with internet and social media, these predators can do damage 24/7. And it can be very insidious and vicious. So you need to develop antenna to detect these attitudes early on and protect yourself. I want you to gain confidence as you learn about this because the bad news is there are still bullies among adults: at the workplace, in families, in romantic partnerships. Sure, it might be more subtle than sequestering someone in a locker, such as repeatedly finding fault in an employee or giving contradictory instructions, or distorting reality to the point that the employee decides to quit. Yet, it is no less toxic. But the good news is that you can choose to not let them affect you once you realize that a bully behaves this way because of insecurity.

Let me repeat this: BULLIES BULLY BECAUSE THEY ARE INSECURE. Bullies have deep shame, they think they are flawed, or they are entitled because they have been too spoiled and are immature. Maybe they see something in you (intelligence, creativity, maturity, empathy) that they envy. Rather than take responsibility for changing what they don't like about their lives or themselves, they seek to destroy you, what they think they cannot have, because they can't stand happiness or joy in others, and they think joy is finite (a very primitive way to think, actually... you probably know that joy is contagious, just like what truly matters in life is in abundance), so based on their cognitive distortions, they think that if you have joy, they can't have it, or even worse, you robbed them of theirs (which is ridiculous and untrue, of course). So, you need to remind yourself of that: only insecure, frightened miserable people seek to make other people miserable. Being bullied tells more about the bully than the victim. If someone picks on you, they have a problem. So please, do not think there is anything wrong about you. In fact, there might be everything right about you and you don't even recognize it yet. I can tell you I have seen that dynamic countless times in my work and also in life: predators or severe narcissists such as bullies are attracted by caring, smart, funny people. Sure, they also pick on people who might have some visible vulnerabilities or disadvantage like a disability, but people who are vulnerable are also brave, and living with a disability shows resilience, an ability to adapt, which these bullies lack of (otherwise they would be too busy trying to improve themselves and the world rather than causing harm).

Once you can pause, find a safe space and deconstruct bullying by seeing what is really behind, it is easier to overcome the state of fear their actions put us in. Once we can name that we are scared (which is a very legitimate and understandable response), we can see them for who they are: even more scared than you might feel, under a tyrant façade. Then, our fear tends to dissipate once we can see through their lame games or power dynamics. The really powerful people use power FOR or WITH, not AGAINST others. Using power against others is the epitome of cowardice in my opinion. So avoiding these cowards, not engaging with them (otherwise it gives them satisfaction to elicit a reaction from you, as this "negative attention" reassures them that they exist) and denouncing them is the best approach.

And eventually, if you are still haunted by that and you need to let go, it might help to look at the bigger picture and see them as wounded beings too... Maybe they are bullying you because they are or have been bullied by a parent or an older sibling at home, and maybe that family member is bullied at work by a co-worker or supervisor, and so on and so forth... It is not an excuse, bullies need to take responsibility, but at least your anger might morph into some sympathy or compassion, which is an emotion that is a bit easier to live with.

If you have been bullied, I am truly sorry. Know that you are not alone. Nationally (in the USA), 1 out of 5 students between the ages of 12 and 18 are bullied every year. And of all the social networks, kids on YouTube are the most likely to be bullied at 79%, followed by SnapChat at 69%, TikTok at 64% and Facebook at 49% (source: Cyberbullying: Twenty Crucial Statistics for 2024 | Security.org)

Please seek help: talk to your parents, tell a teacher, the school principal, a coach, your counselor or doctor, and never doubt your worth. Refuse to follow commands from a bully. Call the police. Bullies who refuse to look at themselves to improve are simply not worth your time or energy. If you have bullied someone before or still do, first of all, STOP. Acknowledge that what you did is wrong and look at why you did it. Are you feeling insecure, incompetent, scared or rejected ? If so, what will you do about it now to take responsibility for your own healing and to prevent further damage to others (and ultimately, yourself) ? Nothing wrong in having any of those emotions. What is a problem is if we act out on them. So if you did bully someone, admit your mistakes and apologize. Then, advocate for victims to end bullying. If your gang is made of bullies, find other friends. Or stay alone for a while until you find your cool tribe. Don't enable by looking the other way or staying silent. Please speak up. That is the right thing to do. Nobody is a hero for destroying another human soul or shoving things under the rug. If you raise awareness about social injustice and help others, then, yes, your actions have the potential to be viewed as heroic. Join forces with others who are doing good too. You can forward this blog to someone in need. I guarantee it will generate a rush of positive emotions in you because by doing something meaningful with and for others, you will be accessing your higher self, the more sophisticated and evolved part of your brain and personality.

We reap what we sow. We have to end the cycle of abuse. Maybe you are thinking that the person who did it to you didn't stop it, so why would you ? Because what each one of us chooses and does can have an impact. And if we want to continue to evolve as a species, those who finally gain awareness and see what is unfair have a responsibility. Once we see, we can no longer "unsee". Accessing this expanded consciousness should be seen as an honor in fact. Breaking a vicious cycle takes courage. And it can make you develop something grand in you. It will make you feel more connected to other beings. And that is absolutely luminous and powerful.

Come on, be your best self. At least try. Learn from the past and from others. Always. You have a mission on this earth. You have intelligence: show it. You have wisdom: put it to good use. The world desperately needs it, needs you.

Suffering is a fact of life. Everyone goes through some form of suffering. Not everyone deals with suffering the same way: some create more harm by inflicting suffering to others. Many others will accept the emotions that come with suffering and help others in a similar situation. Which team do you want to join, to be a part of ?

Will you join me and many, many others in this peace mission ?

Kindness is "in". Let's cultivate this together. Go Animö, go !