You are not lazy

 

''Adolescence is characterized by a form of inertia, which is necessary to prepare the person for the major transformations that are about to occur''. I don't recall the exact words Dr Daniel Bordeleau used (plus, the message was in French), but I vividly remember the impact they had on my awareness.

When I was in my mid to late twenties, Dr Bordeleau, also a Jungian psychoanalyst (or a counselor who had training in depth psychology which is a discipline looking at various aspects of the unconscious, like dream symbolism, synchronicities, or archetypes like the shadow figure) was a popular mentor who was teaching us during my residency program in psychiatry. When he made that statement, it forever reframed an aspect of my self-concept I had struggled with since my adolescence. I was often feeling like I was not doing as much as I should in life. In the most painful shame-inducing situations, I even thought (or was prone to perceive that others thought) I was simply a lazy person, especially when my parents were pressuring me to pick a summer job in high school as early as 15-yo.

I felt bad because of my initial resistance (to no avail) and lack of enthusiasm. I did it anyway but it took so much out of me (especially working at day camp 40 h a week with a group of boys who often came from disadvantaged socio-economic backgrounds and had some difficulty following structure or obeying basic safety rules). Because I was dreading each day, and because of the pressure from a rather perfectionistic boss who had unrealistic standards, I tended to beat myself up a little, thinking I was just lazy.

It turns out I was not. I was just a typical teenager who needed to recharge after a school year of conscientious studying. A child's ''work'' is to learn by playing and exploring, and a teenager's main job is to attend school where they must study, socialize, pass exams and build their future. Paid work should only be part of the youth's schedule in a way that matches their inner resources or energy level and moves them out of their comfort zone just enough to help them grow, but not too much to the point they feel overwhelmed. On top of my well-deserved break over the summer where I could do more leisure activities (like reading, swimming, going outdoors) that I didn't really allow myself to do during the school year because of my own ambitious tendency to prioritize school work, I realized only later on that I needed this time also to recharge as an introvert and a teen trying to adjust to parental divorce. In other words, when there is additional stress, we need solitude, space, stillness and silence (the 4 S !) to recover. My trauma response was shutting down when I could afford it (which was in the summer, when I didn't have to perform in the tangible world) but to the external world of adulting, it might have looked like I was lazy. True, I was not super enthusiastic about chores in the home. My mom had to remind me to empty the dishwasher because I didn't have much initiative for housekeeping. But on the other hand, I was also a brave girl who was there whenever someone was going through a tough time, like my sister who was questioning her identity, or someone who needed a babysitter (I loved spending time one -on-one with kids). I had also signed up for the end-of-the-year camps two years in a row at my high school, and being in charge of a group of highschoolers (one year my sister was among them) was a volunteer role. Moreover, even to this day (and this probably contributed to me naturally choosing to become a psychiatrist), people confide in me because they know I respect confidentiality, I am anti-gossip and their secrets are safe with me. But bearing other people's secrets or hardship can come at a mental price, hence the need to nap or read in a hammock, seemingly doing nothing (on the surface only, because my whole being is busy processing stuff and solving the world's problems !). 

Eventually, after a few summers of stressful student jobs (the municipal camp with the very active boys and later on a fast-food mega chain), at the age of 20 or so, after completing my first semesters at the university, I was looking for something less stressful and more aligned with my bandwidth. But there was a shortage of jobs. I couldn't help but feel guilty for a while, thinking again I was lazy, until I heard our mentor and later on understood the way the body reacts to stress.

Maybe you can identify with some parts of my story. There are also a lot of silent storms going through a teenager's body, and as a result the youth might need more rest. Between childhood and adulthood, it is a transition where we do not give up playing completely (it might take the form of theater, board games, organized sports or video games) and at the same time we must learn to become dependable and develop certain skills and even some financial autonomy (I was proud when I had worked hard enough to reward myself with a piece of clothing without having to ask my parents for money). This is a transition that happens differently from one teen to the next. Some prefer playing more, others have an urge (or necessity, if the household is going through financial hardship) to explore occupational opportunities while being a student early in the process.

The evolution of my understanding about those summers during which I could spend countless hours reading teen romance novels (nowadays I would probably read The Diary of a Wimpy Kid !) has evolved to the point that I banned the word lazy from my vocabulary, because in general, people who seem amorphous (unless being in a minority of extreme leeches who take advantage of others or who feel so entitled they believe work is not a concept that applies to them) are probably recovering from something. The demands of life doesn't match their energy, or what they can actually give.

So next time you feel tempted to judge yourself or painfully hear someone complain that you are lazy, maybe tell yourself (and others) that what is needed is alignment. Because when the tasks can be adapted so they allow us to thrive and channel our passions, and when extra social support as needed is put in place, we do find the energy. In the duty, and within us.

You are not lazy. You just need to get to know yourself better to figure out how to find the best alignment so that the life context matches the beautiful and unique gifts and talents you have to offer our world.

And in between my periods of productivity, I experience another kind of ''productivity'': reading A Diary of the Wimpy Kid while soaking in the tub, as a well-earned reward for my effort :) !