Family matters

 

At the beginning of the pandemic, I got into the habit of writing a gratitude journal. Everyday, for many months I carefully wrote what I was thankful for. And I invited my sons and their dad to do so at the dinner table. It moved me to hear my sons often say, ''I am grateful for my family''. During adolescence, there might be times when we want to throw some of our siblings, or even parents, out of the window, metaphorically speaking. It has certainly been my case on many occasions, growing with two loud, rambunctious, at times obnoxious and accident-prone younger siblings, and navigating my parents' divorce and their new partners. But nourishing family bonds by focusing on the qualities of each person can help us grow. I was so thankful to be able to spend some vacation days with my dad, his girlfriend and my young brother during a trip recently. My brother remembered that we told him he had a Playmobil face when he was little. He said that his kids now have the same facial type, and I agreed. So does my youngest son, Kristof, with his cute smile and wide, beautiful eyes that land on the world to try to understand all of it... We were light-years away from the fights we had growing up (being six years apart and also being both Capricorns didn't help LOL). He was not making fun of my acne (I have none, finally) nor was I responding by an offensive comment. We teased each other and, as is typical in my family prone to echolalia, we imitated each other, teased each other, among all kinds of other sound effects. We had light and serious talk too, as I explored my ancestors' dynamics, and trying to make sense of some of the tensions that sometimes carried over multiple generations. We do not choose our parents, our siblings, our extended relatives. But despite disagreements and differences of opinions or tastes, we can grow together though our interactions, especially when we are able to argue with fairness and resolve conflict, signs of emotional maturity. With family, we also have shared memories and traditions, and this shared past is part of a cultural legacy that shapes who we are. There are traits that you might have inherited from a grandparent you have never met because they died before you were born, or they left the family. It is important for one's sense of identity to know as much as possible about people we have ties with, dead, alive or away. As Dr Richard Mollica, a psychiatrist who was also teaching in a certificate program I completed said, ''we are our ancestors''. And people who come into our life later (like stepparents, stepsiblings, adoptive cousins etc) might have a lot to teach us as well. 

I keep discovering things about people I have known since I was born, like my parents, my aunts and uncles. We never know the full story. Asking questions and findings answers can add another piece of this puzzle called personal story or ''my identity, my value system''. Knowing about one's own ancestors can help name taboo realities or tragedies that were never talked about, and if they are named, they are more likely to be processed, integrated, and resolved. On the contrary, and I see that all the time in my work and even in my family, what is not talked about (conflict, grief, etc) risks being repeated across generations.

Maybe there is someone who disappeared from the family network, and you were told that ''he was crazy, dangerous'', or even, ''she was a witch''. Do you know exactly what happened? Maybe the ''witch'' was a truth-teller and it bothered the clan who wanted to live in denial of an important reality. Maybe the ''crazy, dangerous uncle'' was unconventional, or a permission-giver and it threatened the fragile equilibrium of some members of the family who felt envious or unsecure. Such estrangement might have been a by-product of collective bullying or shaming of these people (see my blog on bullying from February 21st to deconstruct that destructive dynamic). I remember being told certain gossipy and negative things about other adults as a kid but once I got to know that person, I formed a different, more nuanced opinion. It doesn't take much to influence the young growing brain of a child, and brainwashing is real. Maybe you have been brainwashed or conditioned to believe lies about someone in your family. Get into the habit of giving everyone a chance and, when safe to do so, learning from first-hand experience about someone, not based on hearsay. 

Or maybe there are some people you are not in speaking terms with. Do you know why? Sometimes, the conflict drags on for so long, people forget what caused the tension in the first place, or started creating a reason about the reason, to reinforce a false belief about the person, while deep down they realize the initial reason was frivolous, they want to reconnect and live in peace. It is important to not let those conflicts worsen or go unresolved. I greatly suffered from such conflicts around me or directly affecting me throughout my life, while all I wanted was peace and to be affirmed, accepted and understood through a mutual, respectful bond. Most conflicts led to a resolution and a strengthened relationship but in a minority of cases, there is a silence or distance that remains. 

What is not understood or resolved risks being repeated in other relationships. Each relationship is like a school where we get to learn more about oneself and the whole of human condition. When a relationship has not chance of survival, it is important to part ways in cordial, respectful terms. By the way, we can still love a person even though there is a rupture. Togetherness or separatedness has nothing to do with love. How many people continue to care about each other after deciding they can no longer co-habitate? And conversely, how many married couples who stay together cannot stand each other or have toxic interactions? My parents are a good example. They reached a point where I guess they had learned all they could from their marriage and had to move on in order to grow as individuals without hurting each other. It was very difficult for me to see them go through that transition, feel their grief and a complex mixture of emotions while having my own (like abandonment, insecurity, sadness etc), but with the perspective I now have after the passing of time and as I became an adult and a mother, I can understand better that they made the best choice for themselves. For many years now, they have been interacting frequently, harmoniously, and helping each other as needed, like old friends. After all, they have a very important bond in the form of my brother, my sister and me. They will always remain a parental couple and knowing that they can talk to each other like respectful adults is very reassuring and a great modeling for my siblings and I, and all their seven grandchildren.

During my vacation with my Playmobil brother :) and our dad and stepmom, I had the opportunity to reflect about my place in the world of my own genealogy, where life circumstances had taken me, what I had learned (a ton !) and how this could affect my own children. While I spent time with my dad, Raymonde and Jean-Pierre, I got to know them a little bit more. I asked questions and answered theirs truthfully. I listened more deeply, with curiosity, and tried to suspend judgment (which is one of the biggest obstacles that gets in the way of fully understanding another human being). This way, I hope that we all add to the collective awareness and wisdom in order to continue to evolve as progressively more awakened, and kinder, people. We should all use mistakes or ''bad'' decisions as stepping stones towards personal growth. There are no failures, only lessons. I want to leave a legacy of self-understanding, ownership and compassion. We need to receptively, non-judgmentally and compassionately study family matters because family does matter.

Raymonde, Jean-Pierre, me and Martial