Fourteen

 

Dear son,

Hard to believe you are at an age I found, if not dreadful, quite ordinary at the time. We had just moved into a new home, after my parents had gotten a divorce and my dad kept my childhood home. We were mostly at my mother's, visiting my dad and his girlfriend every other weekend. I didn't particularly find my life exciting. My two younger siblings were loud and annoying, there was never peace and quiet for me to study, and it took another year for me to get my own bedroom, since the basement was not finished, so I was sharing a space with my mom. Her most recent boyfriend was the father of one of my classmates and I was not too thrilled about that. I was not caring much about my appearance nor the expression of my femininity yet, wearing sweatpants and a Garfield t-shirt to school, keeping my hair short, not really combing it. I didn't understand why the optometrist would call me ''ma belle'' (''beautiful'') during the maddening ''this one, or this one'' exam because I felt everything but that. Plus, I didn't care about looking attractive (not yet) and was not looking forward to having my period nor becoming an adult. I was not questioning the meaning of existence too much because I was simply trying to get through daily life without pain, since I was feeling I had no voice as I had to endure the choices of adults or their obnoxious habits (because many were like chimneys, we were regularly exposed to nasty second-hand smoke. Road trips were a pure torture as we were not allowed to lower the windows because AC was a priority !). Despite my inner torment, I was continuing to get excellent grades in school, (except in PE) because I hid behind the fortress of algebra equations and grammar rules, and I was having cool responsibilities like babysitting our neighbors' daughter.

I wonder what you will remember about turning 14. I tried to prepare surprises to celebrate your specialness in order to make this moment magical for you because I don't really remember my 14th birthday. Very few of my birthdays as a child and teen were memorable, in fact. Maybe because it was the busy time of year (shortly after Christmas), or the era (as an Xer, parents didn't typically organize sensational parties back then. We had fun playing outdoors or listening to the music in the basement). My mom always insisted that I invite friends at the very last minute (or same day) to ensure they wouldn't feel obligated (or wouldn't have enough time) to buy a present. That is a fine and noble thing and a great way to deprogram our materialistic minds, but that also made my birthday seem less serious as it decreased the odds of people being actually available since they had not blocked their schedule accordingly.

It's ok. I survived. I had memorable milestone birthdays and especially since I became a mother because your presence and your brothers' made all the difference in the world. But I hope you don't have to wait until you are an adult to have memorable birthdays. One of the many things I admire so much about you is your ability to experience and express gratitude since a very young age. Your brothers are the same way. Year after year, your enthusiasm and deep joy tell me that you had more than one fond memory of blowing an additional candle on your cake.

I know 14 can be a challenging age. Of course, I cannot project my own experience onto yours and assume you are feeling the same. We come from different generations, we have a different gender, different birth order, different country... But as you might eventually find out, regardless of the outside circumstances, we all go through some form of suffering. Whether it is being the target of bullying, having a learning disability, an illness, dysfunction at home etc, the emotions we feel are the same: loneliness, fear from uncertainty, sadness, shame. It is just the package of the experience that is different.

So as I am well aware of the different packaging, I also know that some insights I developed over the years might be helpful to you or provide some validation. As I alluded to earlier, this was not my favorite age. It took me over three decades to start to see this phase of my life with different eyes and learn to appreciate some aspects of it, maybe because you and your brothers going through adolescence are inviting me to revisit and make peace with mine...

During adolescence, there is a phase that might look like apathy or laziness to parents and teachers. There are aspects of the young person that may look dormant. But I say it is because the soul needs to rest before its rebirth. In fact, this might be a time when the teenagers feel the closest to their authentic core, or essence, probably because there are no major conditionings (or a sudden desire to start dating and yearn for this mystical first kiss !) that have distracted them from their life purpose yet. In my yearbook, I had mentioned my professional goal was to go to drama school. But the following year, I discovered I really liked biology, and another year later, physics and chemistry, so I decided to study science to become a doctor. Most of my life, I still flirted with the idea of doing theater. I came to love doing oral presentations and some performances on the stage. I was envious of the improv team at my high school. Unfortunately, I had been too shy and insecure to even think of joining, but in community college, I felt I could do theater after delivering a good performance in a play. I played a part in med school as well and later on as faculty at my work. I even wrote plays as a child and one as an adult. Meanwhile, I did mini performances for my children, for fun. Recently, I participated in an improv workshop. I still think theater or literature on stage, even though I am not an actress for living, is part of my essence. So, the 14-yo me was in fact nurturing and protecting a very sacred part of my identity, which I eventually curated more consistently. Maybe your passions are starting to become more insistent, and you suddenly feel at peace while engaging in them, whether it is martial arts, science, drawing cartoons, baking, or working synergistically with others to improve the world.

What I am trying to say is: be attentive to your likes and dislikes, and to the whispers of your soul, even (and especially) if they seem to come out of nowhere. We are on this earth to go through our own path, not to do what we think our parents want us to choose. Until you emerge with more clarity from a phase often characterized by confusion, contradictory emotions, rebellion, exploration of identity etc, I want you to know that I trust that you have all in you to fulfill your dreams. You will look back at your 14-yo and maybe find out a common thread that will have propelled you throughout your life. Meanwhile, I will continue to celebrate you with intention, in the hope that you feel seen and reassured that you matter. 

You have so many beautiful gifts in you. Thank you for being you, and for being born. As such, in the hope of making the birthday wishes more than ordinary, I tried to draw you and I included copies of journal entries from the days surrounding your birth, a landing in this world that precipitated a euphoric state that lasted many days. I wish you plenty of portals to your inner joy, wisdom and consciousness. Only when we access these three pillars can we say we are truly free.

I love you,

Maman Car💚line