The Gift of the Unseen

 

We exist in the eyes of others. Remember when you were a child, asking your parents, your siblings, your friends, to look in your direction to applaud your latest exploit. And later, as a teen, waiting for your peers in the bus to comment on your new hoodie or sneakers.

I remember those times very well, and even more so when I felt, well, unseen. Being unseen often took the form of not being chosen. I am no longer ashamed to tell you this because self-compassion finally liberated me, but I felt deeply hurt (and I am not exaggerating when I say this suffering probably persisted for decades) when my aunt and uncle chose my younger sister to be their flower lady for their wedding. I remember crying my eyeballs out, and I received no sympathy for my parents at the time. This made the pain only worse. I was doubly unseen. I just couldn't believe that Isa, the notorious tomboy who hated wearing dresses, would have a very special one with custom-made honeycomb embroidery ! Plus, she proceeded to play hairdresser with a cousin before the big event and had a big strand of her hair that was shorter and noticeable during the ceremony. Life is just too ironic.

Other times of hurtful unchosen-ness for me included not being anyone's godmother when everyone else (my two siblings, at least) seemed to be. Or meeting an author at his writing workshop after he had suggested I join and after he had thought I had talent based on the review of a manuscript I had sent him. When I shook his hand and introduced myself, he had no reaction, as if he had completely forgotten about me. I felt deflated and deeply embarrassed from this unreciprocated enthusiasm and recognition. Not so hurtful were the times I was selected last in physical education when we had to play a game involving a sphere that seemed to take pleasure in landing on my face every time. I cannot blame the ones who didn't choose me. Even I would have not chosen me !

Not being seen means not being seen as we are. Not being seen can cause a deep wound similar to when one experiences bullying. Some think it is even worse. Because being ignored might make us feel like we don't even exist.  And not existing challenges our legitimacy as human beings. It is so painful that we naturally gravitate towards people who make us feel good about ourselves, who laugh at our jokes (or attempts at humor), who compliment our new hairstyle, who congratulate us on our mini successes.

So, what do we do about that ? How do we ''de-erase'' ourselves ? We don't have control over whether others will notice us or see us as a monochrome silhouette portrait on the wallpaper instead of appreciating the full palette of our personality. On the other hand, we always have the power to deliberately pay attention. Why not make others feel seen ? I have heard a few times words of gratitude from others saying they felt ''seen'' by me. That meant so much to me. I was seeing their soul, their light, and I was glad my acceptance of them was so palpable. Maybe being unseen is a gift: it forces us to expand our awareness and notice the good in others more. It may also be a reminder that we have to choose ourselves first. If we don't, who will ? I have learned to complain less about my moments of solitude, and I tell myself that I can now enjoy my own company.

The harsh reality of this world is that many behave as if people are disposable, so when they are done getting what they need from you, they don't acknowledge your presence and instead look through you as if you were just a ghost wandering on the planet. It is incomprehensible for empaths like me, yet I decided to embrace this experience and reformulate it as a sign that maybe, they dump those they think they can no longer manipulate. So being unseen can actually be a good sign ! Finally, liberated from the modern slavery where people use each other as a currency of their ego.

I don't waste so much energy commiserating on these people anymore. I direct my resources towards authentic friendships, and I am fortunate to have many.

Life is too short. Choose yourself every second. There is no one else like you. You have a unique story to tell that the whole world can learn from. Reclaim your voice. Once heard, you might start feeling ''seen''.

I will leave you with a famous quote from the author of one of my favorite books since childhood, The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry:

''It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.''

Silhouettes of my three beloved sons, New Zealand, 2019