Give yourself a divine award

Earlier this month, I attended my middle son's middle school promotion ceremony. In the middle (just felt like adding this adjective a third time here, LOL) of all the cheering parents, I simply felt immensely proud of him that he made this through these three years during a pandemic. In addition to the well deserved diploma, there were awards that were very different than medals and trophies I grew up with and it was so refreshing. I was quite low profile compared to my siblings who played baseball and hockey, and medals were ubiquitous as I witnessed my sister's athletic prowess. I was the booky one, not at all well versed in sports like my sister and my oldest son, who reminds me so much of her.

Andreas' promotion gave me hope. The school rewarded compassion ! I didn't anticipate my son would get it but in my heart I silently gave it to him. I know he deserves tons of awards. They are just not in this tangible world...

This is a huge shift for me, and I hope you can make it too if you walked away from an award ceremony with disappointment. It sure did happen to me. So if I can have a different perspective now, you can as well.

I remember when I received two wooden pieces with my name engraved on a plaque when I was 13 at this end-of-the-year award ceremony event at my high school. I finished first among my cohort of over 120 students in language and in math. Because I was escaping my parents' recent divorce behind my textbooks and drowning in studies, I had become an overachiever and, as is the case of many children in this situation, it led to excellent academic performance. I remember my teacher, Michel, giving me the award, a Meritas, shaking my hand and kissing me on the cheek (we do that in Québec, at least back then) and I remember him telling me, "Bravo, la petite !''. Not sure why he suddenly nicknamed me that, but maybe it was because of my quiet presence that made me somehow look small... I was instantly hooked. I felt I had value.  I was something, somebody. I was seen. I mattered ! I received confirmation that I was stellar in grammar and in math, and that became embedded in my identity. So the following year, I was anxiously waiting for that night, where my parents would be applauding me again, maybe... I received the Meritas for French again. But not for math. Another girl got it. And the following year, she was in my class. She was obsessed with winning and being the first. Once, after a dictation where I had a perfect score and she didn't, she came to me to tell me she was pissed that I had "beaten" her. I was disturbed by that. I was not performing to beat anyone. I was just completely enamored with grammar and dictations were easy for me. Immediately after, because she had complained to our teacher, Léon, about that, he came to me during recess and pointed his finger in her direction, telling me what she told him, and he concluded by saying "I want you to beat her". 

This memory is very vivid because it affected my life (and self-esteem) for several years after that. Being noticed by this teacher, and having him on my side felt wonderful, but it also created a tremendous pressure on me. This girl had different conditions that helped her perform: an intact family, a physician for father, an affluent lifestyle with gymnastic and piano lessons. She was also way more obsessive in her studying than I was. She once asked me how long I was studying. I couldn't believe she studied 4 h every evening ! I had enough after 1 h. I didn't get an award this year. This was no longer fun. The comparison game I felt thrown in was not as energizing as the joy I once had in learning. Plus, I started to feel interested in dating boys, so that took a lot of my mental space too.

Even though I had been nominated, or shortlisted, I didn't get any award that year. I think it was a good lesson, a form of reset. I did again the following year. But not often beyond that. Certainly not in med school. By that time, I had stopped equating my worth with my grades. I was forced by some Bs and Cs on my transcript to learn detachment and perspective. I started joining essay or poetry contests more for ensuring a writing routine than to win, which I never did anyway.  Only when I made that shift was I able to have a few more awards: one as a resident after a presentation for the interpretation of a movie on a narcissistic protagonist, and one as a faculty supervisor for my quality teaching of residents at UC Davis. Nothing too glamourous though. And that is ok. I learned to free myself from those expectations. I reconditioned myself to do what I love, with love, and to love what I do. I went from doing to being, performing to inspiring, comparing to being grateful for my own abilities and potential for expansion. Plus, I think it can be a blessing to be unnoticed. You can focus on doing more of what you love rather than being distracted by the ego and other people's opinion of you. So that award ceremony, I had dedicated my energy to the recitation of a poem, accompanied by my friend at the piano. This experience on the scene, doing and offering what I love -art and literature-, was beyond any reward.

Before going to La Soirée des Méritas, circa 1989.

Plus, the most important awards are the ones from categories that don't exist in our competitive world. These awards are abundant, and everybody deserves at least one. Everyone has some unique qualities and talents that are not necessarily recognized or applauded in our very limited world of the ego. 

When I think of my three sons, there are many divine awards that I would give them: sensitivity, open-mindedness, gratitude, empathy, sense of humor, making the best tiramisu, being a good brother, a good friend, a nature-lover, an advocate of all creatures. Who knows, maybe these will be the next awards, the ones that should count the most for our species, in the generations to come.

When I look back at pictures of my youth, I realize, as I read between the lines of some poor quality pictures taken compulsively during trips, that this phase of my development is more than the sum of its parts. In hindsight, there are some awards I could have given myself then: when I moved out of my comfort zone, when I followed my passion for dancing or theater, when I stopped adding salt to my cucumbers or corn on the cob to get used to (and enjoy) the natural taste for my health's sake, when I spoke up to confront a bully, and when I was able to develop the humility to acknowledge mistakes and learn from them.

This must be from 1988, during my third year of highschool, and among pictures of the nominees.

In a lifetime, there are countless areas worthy of acknowledgment: overcoming challenges like injustice, an illness or other adversity, offering a safe presence for other people and animals, being a champion of enoughness, an expert in complimenting others with low self-esteem, an inspiring vivid imaginer, a buoyant smile-distributer.

When we focus on existing categories of award or our own skills or areas where it is easier for us to perform, we might tend to neglect countless precious possibilities. Not that I would have become a music virtuoso or, even less so, an accomplished athlete ,but if I had not polarized the abilities between my siblings and I, I might have at least explored more physical activities, like the ski team. I had always had an aversion to balls, probably because PE was graded and this made my clumsiness worse, but once I was freed from that mini torture, I was amazed to discover that I was actually able to play volleyball at a beach during my summer learning English in Alberta. I understood then that pressure had been inhibiting my potential this whole time, and once the need to perform or compete removed and replaced by the sole goal of having fun, I was capable ! I could play, hit a ball, serve, no better nor worse than anyone else, for the pure joy of it !

Give yourself permission to create a brand new award for yourself and a classmate today. Congratulate yourself for a divine quality that is hard to measure, for your effort and ability to transform, your potential still intact despite obstacles, and anyone you think needs to hear those words right now, maybe someone who sits in an auditorium with disappointment because their name wasn't called. For all of that and beyond, and for your ability to transcend the usual metrics revolving around performance, record distance or time etc, I congratulate you ! 

And please continue to do what you enjoy with love. This is one of life's most delicious rewards. Your own award ceremony can take place every moment.

If you cannot think of any type of award yet, I have one: your irreplaceable uniqueness. There is no one else like you. Go share your unique color palette and special flavor of wisdom with the world !

The remnants, still at my mother's, of my academically ''glorious'' years.