Be your own best friend

 ''Who will I eat lunch with ?'' This was the silent question, not even admitted to myself, that arose upon arriving at a new school, at a summer program to learn English, at a part-time job, or starting university, and not knowing anyone. And there was an even more dreadful question: ''will anyone notice me if I eat alone ?'' 

This is not an uncommon experience. We almost have the self-consciousness of a dandelion growing alone from a sidewalk crack (assuming the dandelion is self-conscious and concerned of what other dandelions think of it !). A friend of now 35 years once admitted she had hidden in the bathroom to eat her sandwich in order to not be seen eating alone. I wish we had learned sooner to not care so much about what others think. Also because what we think of what others think (especially of us) is often a projection of our own opinion. What I mean by that is that we attribute our own (usually negative) thoughts towards ourselves to others. This allows us to blame others instead of taking responsibility and changing our situation, or our own thought pattern.

Indeed, this fear of judgment through projection could dissipate if we turned the switch of positive self-regard ON, or if we had a totally different view on what defines a... friend.

''You've got a friend''. I loved that song. I heard James Taylor sing it since as long as I can remember. I heard later that Carole King wrote it.

Winter Spring Summer or Fall

All you have to do is call

And I did waste quite a bit of time on the phone eventually, once I had overcome my fear of eating alone and started noticing other solitaries like me and engaged in a conversation and we started calling each other after school. Throughout my life, I have had the privilege to engage in meaningful friendships, from childhood until now. Some of these bonds didn't continue because of divergent paths, others because of demands of life spaced out the opportunities to connect or potential schedule overlaps. And migrating in my thirties made it even more challenging to ensure the viability of some of these friendships. I was able to keep the ones that saw a mutual investment of time and energy in staying connected. I am also grateful for developing new ones in this land, many of which are significantly older than me, forcing me to be aware of the law of impermanence.

Despite a rich and expanded network of friends, I also know what not fitting in immediately feels like to. Being parachuted in a new place and feeling alone. For those of you who can relate, I want to encourage you now to think of yourself as your own best friend. All these years, as the landscape of my friendships changed, I remained there for myself. I am the main denominator of my life. And so are you. 

And it is in the throes of the deepest, most agonizing solitude that I was forced to befriend myself. It was one of those ''fake it until you make it'' kind of experiences for me. I often didn't see the point of cooking a great meal if I ended up being alone to savor it. For me, it didn't feel very cost-beneficial at first. But when I saw no other way than to make the best out of my aloneness, I proclaimed to others, who asked about my plans for the evening, ''I am planning on enjoying my own company !'' And gradually, I did. One meal, one good book, one captivating movie, one song to dance on at a time. I am very inspired by my cousin Gabriel who once was taught to loathe himself as a teenager because he was gay and androgynous. Today, he totally embraces both the masculine and feminine sides of him. He loves himself and, las a result, lives a full life as he fulfills his dreams, loves himself and many others lucky enough to know him. Loving oneself is not ''selfish'' or ''narcissistic''. Because we treat others the way we treat ourselves. And vice-versa. So, once you are no longer alone, you better hang out with people who are more on the side of liking than disliking themselves. Sure, we all have aspects that we might be ashamed of, or don't appreciate so much. But as long as we love ourselves enough that we are moving in the direction of loving ourselves more, then that is positive. It is the direction that counts. I know that, throughout my choices, experiences and ways to be in this world, I have tried to become gentler and kinder towards myself. And as I became more self-compassionate, I allowed myself to heal and expand even more into a form of self-curiosity and self-respect I never thought possible. I felt a shift in me: I understood that the burden of my happiness and of the love for me cannot be put onto someone else. Plus, I am the one who will be stuck with me for the longest time ever, so I better learn to get along and better start now !

I suggest you do the same too. Don't wait until you are an oldie like me. Start now. I wish I had known that liberating truth way younger. I think I might have done more, and better, with my life, if I had injected a bit more of self-love into my soul. By simply saying the words of encouragement I was waiting for others to say. Or by reasonably complimenting myself, by cheering myself up. Now I am better at celebrating and treating myself. And with zero guilt, because I celebrate others too. What I give myself is not taken away from anyone. In fact, loving oneself boosts our capacity to love others. The oxygen mask on ourselves first, then we help others put theirs on. Remember this: your self-love made of self-respect, self-compassion, self-compassion is that oxygen.

So go ahead, build this strong foundation of self-friendship. You need yourself throughout this whole lifetime. Why not give yourself credit for your effort, your potential, and the fact that you deserve compassion and joy like anyone else on this earth. Maybe create some encouraging mantras to repeat to yourself in times of frustration towards your life.

Or think of the song... You've got a friend. You can even create an imaginary friend who sings it to you. Let this friend be you at all times. That is a door to your own personal resilience, this reserve of courage, creativity and grit that helps overcome tougher times.

Winter Spring Summer or Fall

All you have to do is call

And I will be there, yeah yeah yeah

And call. Call your name. Dare to find it beautiful, profound, moving, full of promises to spell and dreams to unfold. If I can learn to find a discover in the most unexpected places, in my own self, you sure can too.