Love is not a cage (nor a video game)

For most of my adolescence, and many years beyond, the two dimensions of my life competing for my attention were school and romance. Naturally driven and goal-oriented (in other words, addicted to dopamine !), I dedicated a lot of my time studying to get good grades and go to a university program that was aligned with my passions (which went from theater to health sciences within a few years). But also an incurable romantic, highly sensitive person and life-lover, my mental space was often filled with fantasies of embraces and kisses that would turn my whole being into an earthquake. 

Since then, my conception of love (including romantic love) has gone through quite a few profound permutations. As a teenager, even when we think we found ''the one'', it is rarely for eternity (the ''high school sweethearts'' phenomenon is exceptional, and not the norm). I think we need to normalize breakups, because every person evolves throughout a lifetime, and so does any relationship. How can we expect two very different people to stay connected in a harmonious way if they grow at a different pace ? So, your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend didn't work out after 3 months ? Sure, it hurts, and I am sorry. It also has nothing to do with your worth as a person. In fact, it is a learning experience. I am happy to share that I got to know myself more (and accept and love me more) after each ''failed'' romance. Relationships are a container, a ''creuset'' where two people try to learn something about themselves, others and the human condition through their interactions. So in physical time (which is a concept, a construct, an invention of our mind..., in summary, an illusion), even if the relationship didn't last, it can have a lasting impact. I learned to take the best out of each relationship I have experienced, even the most disastrous ones. Especially those ! Because a relationship that made me feel bad about how I was, a partner who didn't respect me or accepted me fully taught me in fact what love wasn't. And that woke me up so intensely that I could see what I really want in a relationship, and what I am worth. It took me decades to realize this, but it is never too late. I decided that the person I choose to be with cannot love me less than I love myself. Period. So make sure you love yourself to the max, and your love life will fall into place and be nourishing !

I was forged by fire at various times in my life when I encountered pseudo-love situations. Possession is not love. Nobody belongs to anyone but themselves. Someone who is intensely jealous of you has insecurity and they need to deal with their own attachment wounds. Jealousy can happen from time to time, but if it leads someone to stalk, control, oppress, that is destructive. I realized that my own feelings of jealousy and my fear of being abandoned went hand in hand, and through the years and positive experiences (especially friendships), I learned to value myself to the point that these two emotional experiences are on the path of extinction, I am proud to say. What used to trigger some unease or jealousy feeling no longer does. I tell myself, well, if this person wants to be with someone else, it cannot make me jealous because I know my worth, so I know their disloyal behavior has nothing to do with me. The togetherness was just not meant to be. And I move on.

So love is not supposed to keep you trapped. And it is not a video game or power dynamic. Feelings are real. We should try to not hurt anyone's. Of course we do at times, we make mistakes, but we should seek to acknowledge our contribution in unhealthy dynamics, take ownership, be accountable and repair. People are not interchangeable nor disposable. With the explosion of dating Apps, it tends to make us forget we are dealing with a real human being. Also, in those Apps, qualities and positive attributes might be overemphasized. Some even lie in those platforms, or fabricate fake profiles. Getting the full picture by prioritizing real life, direct experiences rather than the virtual can protect us against exploitation and help us stay grounded. A friend said to me ''love is a verb''. We need direct and felt experiences to conjugate it.

A patient of mine said ''love is a decision''. You may truly love someone but decide to not have a relationship. Often, there are practical considerations in determining who to engage a relationship with (location, life circumstances). To say it differently, being with or without someone has nothing to do with love. Some people stay together for collateral benefits but there is no longer growth or genuine connection between them. That is sad. Others really care about one another but found that some distance (rather than cohabitation) has been more fulfilling, or they broke up and still love each other through a spiritual connection. Like gender, we often think about romantic love in a binary fashion, based on exclusivity or material considerations (did you know that marriage has its roots in patriarchy, so it is based on fear and inequality between men and women, and is an institution developed for financial reasons ? It had nothing to do with love ! I agree with Krishnamurti who said that love cannot be institutionalized. I wish someone had told me this earlier !). But the relationship landscape is changing and expanding, just like the experience of gender identity. For instance, I have many ''romantic friendships'', and I think we are also moving towards a concept of ''disidentified'' or universal love' as we mature. That has certainly been my case. I have love feelings for many people. Love is not finite. It is not a zero-sum game. For instance, children of divorced parents are more likely to adjust to divorce and benefit the most from a loving bond with BOTH parents. Don't let any supposedly caring adult tell you have to choose ! That should be a red flag. It signals pathological jealousy and they should not put you in a cage and instead, they should deal with their own insecurity and need to possess their children. 

Loving someone doesn't take anything away from another. In fact, I think love self-multiplies. The more we express love, the more we attract it and are able to give !

As you embark in this eye-opening journey called love, make sure you remind yourself that nobody can be controlled, that we don't control the outcome of a relationship, and that a healthy relationship, no matter its duration, requires a foundation of mutual respect, trust and open communication. Sharing of joy and supporting each other during hardship while wanting both to grow as a person in each other's presence help its longevity.

These are a few of my meanderings. You have many years to discover your own beliefs and values around love. Meanwhile, open your heart to receive, because you are loved.

And thank you for your readership this past year ! Today is the first anniversary of this blog !! YAY 😄 !

May your Valentine's Day be fulfilling. Remember, you are your own best friend. And every day without a date can be a bonus as you get more mileage in getting to know you better by spending time in solitude, without someone else's potentially misleading feedback. Relationship can be helpful mirrors at time, sure, but they don't hold the truth of you and you should not let anyone else define you. Alone comes from ''all one''. So alone time is a golden opportunity to be fully you, discover and appreciate you wholeheartedly, as the beautifully imperfect, always-evolving, being that you are. And knowing yourself better can lead to more self-acceptance and self-love.

Much love to you, dear beautiful animated soul !

Car💚