Eighteen

Dear son,

A chapter of your life is quietly closing. You are officially turning the page on adolescence. I have this urge to give you a dense package stuffed with all the wisdom and advice a mother can think of... I know it is futile, because learning doesn't happen through the reception of words and concepts but through experience. But maybe my words will serve as a validation tool one day, if you are ever confronted with the challenges and dilemmas that led to those words I am about to utter for your benefit...

Leaving the nest, even if you come back on the weekends, is a huge milestone. Even though I know you are very capable and self-sufficient (you have always been eager to assist from a young age), having to do laundry, get groceries, cook, pay bills, problem-solve often all at once can be a little bit of a shock. College or university means bigger school, more people, more competition. You might struggle to keep your excellent grades (I certainly did, when I went from community college to Université Laval in physical therapy, it seems like I could no longer compensate as well for my inconsistent attention span...). But remember that your worth isn't defined by such metrics. This is only the world of form. Focus on having fun learning and continue to be studious like you have been so far, and the rest will take care of itself.

And in general, let go of the tyranny of perfectionism sooner than later. Instead, do what you like with intention. Then, excellence (rather than this unattainable goal, this asymptote, that is perfection) is more likely to unfold.

Emotions are normal, needed, and should not be ignored. If you feel overwhelmed by feelings and prefer to discuss with a neutral, objective person, know that there are counselors on the campus. They are there to help. College seems to be a very stressful transition for a lot of students in this country.

Apparently, we tend to be influenced by the average of the five people we spend the most time with. So pick your social circle wisely. Gravitate around people who embody morality rather than moralism, those who inspire rather than those who judge or lecture. And the distractions from dating or partying certainly don't help. But it is all part of the experience. Again, be responsible, caring, intentional, and authentic, and all will more likely enlightening than disastrous. Remember that true consent should be offered enthusiastically, never under coercion. If you see an irregular situation or exploitative interaction, create a diversion, or speak up if you feel safe to do so, or ask for assistance.

Most learning happens outside the classroom, and the deepest lessons come through direct experience and relationships rather than didactic sessions.

And if you mess up, or make mistakes (which will happen of course, everyone is a learner), while I will not shame you, please be assured that I will not be like those mothers who are willing to sacrifice truth or justice for the sake of protecting their sons in trouble (which is about their ego). Pointing in the direction of integrity for the right path is more important than protecting anyone's ego.

Oh, and don't forget to eat veggies and fruit, floss, move your body, laugh from the heart, make your bed (ok, I must say you have always been quite consistent and orderly). Don't go behind the wheel if your mental state is altered by either a substance or lack of sleep. Call a taxi or a trusted person.

As I am typing these lines in the evening, I am brought back to the moment you were about to be born. I remember everything as if it were yesterday. The anxiety, the relief, the love at first sight when the irresistible you landed in my arms. Sonn after followed your spiritedness making you so energetic, curious, with a mixture of sensitivity and grit, to the point of asking me to stop the wind because it was annoying the toddler version of you ! My exhaustion of a mother trying to have the headstrong you follow directions would melt away when a teacher or caregiver would say ''oh, what a polite boy he is !'', relieved that some social etiquette was sinking in at least. And look at all the amazing evolution you have gone through, the talents (musical, culinary, scientific, athletic) you have expressed, the autonomy, as you flew on your own for the first time at age 12 ! And most importantly, the vastness of your humanness, as I recall vividly seeing you so sad for the homeless you were seeing when we traveled to Brussels and Amsterdam when you were 9, and that you really wanted to give a man some money, and from a distance I saw this man smile at me in a way that meant ''you should be proud, mom'', which I indeed was, as you let him shake your hand.

I see myself at your age, 18, trying to figure out the world, developing my own belief system, not relying on adults as much to tell me what to think, feel or believe. It was incredible. I broadened my perspective as reality was opening up when I left one summer to study English. Curiosity is in your nature, so go where you heart and intuition lead you. Figure things out for yourself. Again, learning comes from experience more than absorbing other people's own incomplete, at times distorted beliefs. Know that you should never wait for anyone's permission or approval to follow your heart's dreams. If things don't turn out quite as smoothly as you had anticipated, if you are facing dilemmas or hurdles, know that I am one text, one phone call, one commute away. And a warm meal and a cozy bed will be waiting for you. And my unshakable faith in you.

May you spread your wings of wisdom and humanity as you forge your path and discover your truths.

May you live your own dreams and inspire others to do the same.

May your whole being unleash the power of perception and clarity as you study not only physics but the whole of life. Science is one of many portals to deep knowing. During and beyond college life, may you let the whispers of your soul guide you, always...

May you be astonished, inspired and enlivened in the adventurous, certainly challenging life stage called emerging adulthood.

May you discover the sacred in the ordinary, and joy hidden in daily magical moments.

May you find abundance in gratitude during times or relative scarcity and comfort un interconnectedness within loneliness.

Beautiful mind and tender heart, the world is better because of you in it...

Thank you for making me a mother. You and your brothers are my best teachers.

I am always there for you, in presence, in spirit, emotionally and metaphysically.

With love, more love than anyone word or picture could contain...

Maman Caroline