The hyphen between souls

 

''Oh no. Not again. My chin is starting to tremble... my vocal chords want to betray me, and I feel the one-way faucet of my eyes being turned on...''

Have you ever experienced this automatic response called tears at the most inopportune moment ? By the time I was a teenager, it had happened countless times. I seemed to cry for no reason. But it is because I was crying for every reason: sadness, of course, but also anger (for having bottled up frustration against situations, people, and especially myself for not have asserted boundaries), panic, overwhelm, and yes, joy and elation. I would cry upon hearing that someone I didn't even know had died, or during commercials, or while watching the Olympics, or at weddings, or if I had a disappointing grade, or if I felt left out. It didn't matter, it seemed like the energy of the people around, their own emotional intensity, expressed or not, was sufficient for me to feel it and embody it.

To say it differently, after suffering more from the shame than the tears themselves and deciding to decode them once and for all, I realized something that would change my life: my tears were the immediate response of an imbalance in my whole being, sometimes due to my empathic nature that tends to absorb the emotional energies of my surroundings. Some people develop a rash, others make stupid jokes, some have anger outbursts, others go numb, some engage in impulsive or repetitive behaviors. For me it was simple, and at the same time uncomfortable both for me and most witnesses of the episode: crying. This insight made me even more intentional as I validated and welcomed my three sons' emotions from a young age. I was reassured that they could express emotions rather that repressing it. I have seen the significant damage caused by unacknowledged emotions like sadness, anger or shame in people close to me (especially in men, because of society's expectations and misconceptions about expression of vulnerability) and I did not want this for my beloved children or myself. 

For a while, before understanding how my nervous system worked, I had blamed it on genetics, temperament (I am highly sensitive), culture, social conditioning (I come from a lineage of criers). But eventually, I realized that trying to block that response or dismiss it only made it worse. The day I understood that it was a signal that there was an imbalance, that I had neglected my own needs, and that this was the way I was designed and it was best if I accepted myself as such,  crying spells became less and less frequent. Once again, the paradox of letting go had taken care of the issue. Under what looked like giving up, there was in fact significant empowerment happening.

Not surprisingly, I chose a profession where people are often led to tears because of adversity, trauma, grief, emotional imbalances. Because I can understand how they feel, I am in my element and can validate them. By the way, some people tend to equate crying in excess with depression. This is a misconception. In fact, depression is usually a lack of aliveness, and some people say they feel nothing. So crying or feeling something is reassuring, and it is what we should seek, because it means the emotion is no longer stuck and can be freed so we can make room for joy or inner peace. A few days ago, I had a rich and deep conversation with a young and delightful person who felt sad upon telling her story and then apologized for crying. I told her not to, that tears are what makes us humans ! The day before, I had browsed in a boutique nearby and was suddenly so moved by the beautiful decorations and the Christmas song lyrics of a music completing the seasonal ambiance that my eyes filled up with tears. But I was in a neutral, if not positive mood as I had entered the store, and I hadn't noticed any hunch of sadness earlier that day. Maybe it was the song that awakened childhood memories, or the thought of my mother who is so fond of Christmas. Even though I hadn't seen this coming, I didn't try to stop them or beat myself up for that reaction. I simply embraced this unexpected rising in emotions without shame.

In fact, tears are good for us: they protect our eyes from pathogens, they clear the cornea if there are some chemicals that landed in our eyes. Symbolically, they also help cleansing. And I see another poetic function: because it can happen to everyone, and the composition is generally the same from one person to the other, they serve like a bridge of communication, a hyphen between souls. A river on the cheek communicates that there is an emotion, and it is an opportunity for the other person who witnesses to have gratitude for the trust the crier has for exposing such an intimate expression.

So I even made it as far as not only understanding and accepting my tears but seeing them as a superpower and therefore, I am grateful for them now. Remember, crying means we are alive !