Let's chat Animö with Carö

Back-to-school night for two of my sons was the 26th of August 2024, or the last 8-8-8 portal of this month, if you are a numerology geek (honestly, there are worse geekinesses to have). As I wander among other parents, trying to find my way on campus, I can't help but reminisce about my own back-to-school days, or ''rentrée scolaire.'' I also cannot resist comparisons, as if to justify my feeling of being so out of place... And in all honesty, I cannot imagine my boomer parents doing a version of this intellectual treasure hunt, year after year, times three... The weather is at least a solid 32 C, and even if not particularly humid, despite my minimalist attire (light summer dress and flip-flops), I feel like the air is a flaming cape around my body, which is also concomitantly experiencing both a mirroring adolescence by having its period AND hot flashes from peri-menopause. Not fun. So I imagine what it is like to be a student at that school, changing classes at ...

Sweet, wet, shy, warm, passionate, minty, ominous, clandestine, eye-opening. Regardless of how we classify it, un baiser or besito  rarely leaves anyone indifferent. The first portion of my adolescence was spent dreaming about my first kiss. I dreaded pretty much everything about puberty. But thank goodness for kisses ! From a young age, my fascination for kisses and my belief in their magic were to the point of believing that parents made babies that way. After hearing the shock of how babies were really made after a friend had popped my bubble in kindergarten, I had nonetheless remained enthusiastically obsessed with kissing scenes in movies, anticipating that culminating moment when two people would finally reach that juncture of the lips, as if to seal their mutual love in an embrace of smiles. And I cannot tell you how many times I created scenarios that would include a kissing scene between Barbie and Ken. I still vividly remember my first kiss with a boy named Patrick. I was...

Earlier this month, I attended my middle son's middle school promotion ceremony. In the middle (just felt like adding this adjective a third time here, LOL) of all the cheering parents, I simply felt immensely proud of him that he made this through these three years during a pandemic. In addition to the well deserved diploma, there were awards that were very different than medals and trophies I grew up with and it was so refreshing. I was quite low profile compared to my siblings who played baseball and hockey, and medals were ubiquitous as I witnessed my sister's athletic prowess. I was the booky one, not at all well versed in sports like my sister and my oldest son, who reminds me so much of her. Andreas' promotion gave me hope. The school rewarded compassion ! I didn't anticipate my son would get it but in my heart I silently gave it to him. I know he deserves tons of awards. They are just not in this tangible world... This is a huge shift for me, and I hope you can ...

  Dear son, As I am writing these lines, 17 years ago, I was doing the final sprint in a labor that had started over 15 hours prior. A lot had happened that beautiful day of May in San Francisco, starting with the nocturnal rupture of membranes that led to a spectacular gush of your pool of 9 months (like we see in the movies). The contractions became immediately painful, as if the liquid was some kind of attenuator to the sharp burning pain. In the afternoon, in the tub, no back rubbing or breathing would do. Between two deep breaths, I begged for the epidural. A male resident came and started it. I think it was too strong because I couldn't even move my legs. I started being scared I would be paralyzed forever. The resident said nothing when I expressed my concern. But my worst fear was when the midwife turned me on my left side and injected my butt with a tocolytic agent to stop the labor. She did that based on what she thought were decelerations of your heart from the fetal car...

  Dear son, Hard to believe you are at an age I found, if not dreadful, quite ordinary at the time. We had just moved into a new home, after my parents had gotten a divorce and my dad kept my childhood home. We were mostly at my mother's, visiting my dad and his girlfriend every other weekend. I didn't particularly find my life exciting. My two younger siblings were loud and annoying, there was never peace and quiet for me to study, and it took another year for me to get my own bedroom, since the basement was not finished, so I was sharing a space with my mom. Her most recent boyfriend was the father of one of my classmates and I was not too thrilled about that. I was not caring much about my appearance nor the expression of my femininity yet, wearing sweatpants and a Garfield t-shirt to school, keeping my hair short, not really combing it. I didn't understand why the optometrist would call me ''ma belle'' (''beautiful'') during the maddenin...

  We exist in the eyes of others. Remember when you were a child, asking your parents, your siblings, your friends, to look in your direction to applaud your latest exploit. And later, as a teen, waiting for your peers in the bus to comment on your new hoodie or sneakers. I remember those times very well, and even more so when I felt, well, unseen. Being unseen often took the form of not being chosen. I am no longer ashamed to tell you this because self-compassion finally liberated me, but I felt deeply hurt (and I am not exaggerating when I say this suffering probably persisted for decades) when my aunt and uncle chose my younger sister to be their flower lady for their wedding. I remember crying my eyeballs out, and I received no sympathy for my parents at the time. This made the pain only worse. I was doubly unseen. I just couldn't believe that Isa, the notorious tomboy who hated wearing dresses, would have a very special one with custom-made honeycomb embroidery ! Plus, she pro...

My adolescence was fraught with escapisms: there were some healthy ones, like skiing even at -20 C, drawing, reading, swimming. But there were some potentially damaging ones because instead of making me more in the moment like the healthy ones, they were in fact meant to numb my painful feelings:  rides at amusement parks, emotional eating, watching videoclips or movies, and yes, like many, spending too much time playing video games (we didn't have social media when I was a teenager). They are not only magnets for boredom but for insecurity, nervousness, sadness, or feeling empty. These time sinks attract all forms of suffering if we don't watch out. I look back at my younger self and have a lot of compassion for her, as she was trying to cope with her parents' divorce, their relative emotional unavailability, and all the difficult experiences associated with the various changes in my daily life. If you are in a similar situation, like being glued to your phone or computer ...